AND NOW TO THE GORY BITS:
DEAR READERS THIS EDITION OF YOUR CRYER, A TALE OF SUCH WOE AND DREADFULNESS. GIRD YOUR LOINS, POUR OUT THE BEST MEAD AND DO NOT DARE TO GO OUT ALONE THIS NIGHT
* DART IS CARTED OFF NEARER TO HEAVEN*
Well, where to start… hmm at the beginning I suppose……. As you will all know readers, our very own Bard, Dart was dragged off and shackled to a bed in the hospital. It was supposed that he had overdosed on magic mushrooms (well he has overdosed on most other things Ed.). In one of his more raving moments, he must have mentioned Demons, not the sort of thing to say in front of a precocious little bra.. erm child like Drindel. So off young Drindel trots, so worried that she of course traipsed through a pool of blood on the town bridge leaving a trail of bloody footprints. Then on to the Church, where it seems, by a lucky coincidence, a Priest was visiting. Of course this priest, perhaps a Bishops Mitre blinding him to the realities of Exorcism, requires Dart to be fetched to the Church without delay. Pausing only to skip through the blood on the bridge once again, the small grubby pirate takes her goat and cart into the Hospital and, there with the assistance of both the gallant Commander of the mighty Dee Army and the Dancing Healer herself Mysti. They cart, quite literally, poor old dart up to the church where manacled to the cart, sans goat thankfully, he was left with only the company of our lady healer in the flickering light of a solitary candle. (no Drindel I’ve no idea if it was red or not!).
*TO ELF OR NOT TO ELF THAT IS THE QUESTION*.
The Tavern, everyone gathers for stories of days gone by, when Knights were bold and Ladies.. well let us not get distracted. Gathered around the skirts of the Old Crone are Mysti and Misty, a likely looking chap called Coke and of course the enormous cat with the unlikely name Dexter Bigboots; shortly to be joined by that paragon of stalwart virtue, the Captain of the Legion of Dee, Sir Yaron. Sitting by himself in the corner, back to the wall as usual, the glowering face of the Hunter Veldrin, the scars standing out in the candle light, as he drinks his ale.
The aged one hushes those assembled by reading out a scroll she has received from non only the Mad Bard Dart himself; this massive missive is read in her quavering voice and loosely translated from her impossible English reads thus:
I am captive in the chapel and my freedom I desire.
Shackled to this stinking goat cart without proper medication
one could hardly think of what could be a more dire situation.
Tell the elven lady I at last request her intervention
(the one, with ears so large that they attract so much undue attention.)
And tell her that this priest who looms about me like some apparition
can no more heal my mind than make water wine, without exaggerations!
So send her soon before he beats me into some unconscious state
where I admit it’s demons and not too many toadstools that I ate.
Let her work the magic that is said only wyldings can summon
and I’ll be grateful and never bring dead thing to her forest when I come.
And let the gorgons lagentrhorp until the eve of never
when marbled latches mingle quite and fouled digit sever.
But do not let a hotchkin frapple in the steaming winter heat
or justbefoggens make ripples in the lake beneath our feet.Oh
Tell the big eared one I still have the three nuts. She can have them back if she heals me.
Well as you can imagine this brought the house down and someone had the temerity to ask the foul tempered Hunter to intercede with the Wylds, only to be shocked when he asked what he would receive for his pains. So shocked, they all decided to go off to the Church and allow the mumbo jumbo to proceed.
*IS IT A BIRD, IS IT HIDDEN FUNGI; OR IS IT, (GASPS) A DEMON?*
Picture the scene if you will, the church, Dart shackled to a small goat cart in front of the alter, the long curved blade in the hand of the wicked witch flashes as it descends towards…. no wait, my imagination runs riot.
Let us start again: Picture the scene if you will, the church, Dart shackled to a small goat cart in front of the alter, a strange unknown Priest standing in front of him wielding a Golden Chalice, mumbles incantations and presses the goblet against Dart’s head……and…. gasp…..Dart…. does not drink the Holy Wine. He must be possessed! The congregation, Misty and Mysti (Ohhh that’s why they both come when one calls one of their names), Coke, Yaron…. oh no not Yaron he had received Holy orders; and no Drindel, she having fled at the first sign of trouble.
Strangely, for one so wedded to the Church, Old Miss Esmeralda was incensed by the goings on, having called the priest a Charlatan and suggesting that priests engaged in lewd acts with young ladies prior to entering the Church was still unhappy when confronted with the confused cleric. Threatening to resign her positions as Church warden and matron to orphan children. Then even going so far as to try to release Dart. before being manhandled away by Coke.
Dart meantime was struggling most manfully, spitting and thrashing about like one possessed… oh perhaps he is after all. All the time the Priest was seemingly attempting to beat him around the head with a golden chalice.
The Exorcism was descending into chaos with the Priest and Miss Esmeralda arguing, dart foaming, the congregation looking confused. Then the old one stomped towards the door, the head was touched by the Chalice, Dart started talking rubbish instead of screaming it; and Shock and Horror the old lady Miss Esmeralda hurled a vicious curse against all present and storms out, leaving a frightened group.
The tension was relieved by more of Darts ramblings and then the priest suddenly decided that Dart may not have been possessed after all and that it may have been the mushrooms, with our Healer Mysti accusing the young lass Drindel of procuring them for Dart.
Then as they were all convinced that poor Dart’s problem was really mushrooms, booze and appalling meter, a drop of Holy water banished those thoughts in a thrice. Dart screamed, cursed and thundered in voice both his own and yet not, even the walls of the Church seemed to tremble. The priest summoning forth holy righteousness ordered the Demon to go forth, once, twice; and yet after this, with Dart lying inert, grey and exhausted, the Priest admitted failure saying he could not continue for fear the demon would kill Dart.
They all staggered outside into the light to breathe once again the clear fresh air of Dee. Dart left lying still and quiet in the silent Church, when there was the tiniest sound, furtive footsteps hurrying to the altar. The dark figure stands still for a moment staring down at dart and then whirling, it turns sweeps up the Golden chalice and quietly opening the side door of the church, disappears down the hill.
*THE MORNING AFTER HANGOVER*
A small child scurries into the Church and up the stairs, Drindel pauses and looks over the balcony at the shrouded figure below. She calls for dart, but although the shrouds move no face appears and trembling she hurries back as thunder cracks the heavens.
A Scroll is received by yours truly:
Good People of the council of the St Vitus Village and the good people of the Isle.
With here this words written on the paper that ye hold in yer hands I declare my retirement from my work in the St Vitus Order. I will leave the children and tha guestrooms and the church and the cooking and the cleaning and the garden in the hands of tha new man Seemuss that ye all trust tha life and the good well being of my boy Dart fer at.
I retire fer that ye disregard the plead of the boy in need, when he asked fer tha elf ta help him.
I retire fer that ye disregard the hard work of decades of what I have dun ta take care of yer Abbey and tha church and fer that ye do nicht mind ta inform me fer ye think I am just an old boring useless woman.
I retire fer I lost tha faith in all ye who blindly trust a stray man in a monk robe that nobody nicht knows.
Miss Gerda Esmeralda
The cat, it would seem, is out of the bag and refuses to go back in. The isle awaits the next attempt to return Dart to his usual drunken self.
**WHERE IS JESSIE MIGGINS**
Both Cali and Yaron in their capacity of leaders of our glorious Legion and/or Council are appealing (stop pulling faces it isn’t that kind of appealing); Their appeal reads thus:
“It has come to my attention that Lady Jessie Miggins has not been heard from in quite some time, and her shop seems to have been neglected. The city guards are quite concerned about her, so anyone with information please contact me or Sir Yaron.
**COULD THERE BE FOUL PLAY**
One does wonder, a woman jessie miggins (see above), resident of the Village of St Vitus missing; when only yesterday was found a bloody knife lying in pool of blood, on the bridge connecting the Village to the City
*** STOP PRESS***
The Leader of the Council
**I am grateful for all of the hard work Miss Esme has done for this isle. She has helped many, and I am sad to know that she has not felt as if she was appreciated. I hope that in her retirement, she will find the peace and happiness she deserves.
-Cali (Leader of the Human Council of Dee)
***STOP STOP PRESS***
The pool of blood on the bridge has been vandalized by the young Drindel. Caring less that this is a possible crime scene, she used the blood to draw this picture (faithfully reproduced by our resident artist) and seemed to have got the rest of the blood all over herself.
Whilst we cannot condone such vandalizing of public property, we do have to admit it is rather good.